Part of my experience as a trauma survivor is dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This isn’t something I self-declared—it was, unfortunately, part of my official diagnosis alongside Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Growing up, I had nightmares when I slept and flashbacks when I was awake.

The Nightmares
It’s like being teleported back to where it happened, forced to relive it over and over again. When the nightmares come, there are only two possible endings:

1. Endure it.
2. Jerk awake in fear, heart pounding, tears streaming.

At some point, I realized that the nightmares hardly came when I was utterly exhausted. So, I developed the habit of staying up late, pushing my body to its limits. Over time, that turned into severe sleep deprivation.

The Flashbacks
No matter how hard I tried to forget, they haunted me. I lived in a constant state of alert because they never announced their arrival. They came at the wrong time, in the wrong places—triggered by people, conversations, locations, or even a random scene from a movie.

I did everything I could to prevent and cope with them. I kept myself as busy as possible for as long as my body could handle, hoping that if I left no room for my mind to react, the memories wouldn’t surface. But there were moments when they broke through—moments when I lost control, when the pain inside me lashed out at everything and everyone in my path.

And then, the Voices
On top of everything, I heard the voices. I had to deal with them while navigating teenage problems, young adult struggles, family conflicts, and everything else life threw my way. It was like living in hell on Earth.

As far as I know, this is my first time living this life. I had no guidebook, no blueprint on how to survive it. So, my brain did what it had to do—it split me into different parts, each one carrying a piece of the weight.

Time moves forward, yet I keep getting sucked back
It’s frustrating. I’ve fought so hard to move on, only to find myself right back where I started.

I can’t begin to imagine what other trauma survivors are going through. I only hope that one day, they, too, see the light at the end of the tunnel—just as I have today.

Victory Report
Speaking of which, as my blog title suggests—Living with PTSD (No More)—ever since I embarked on my healing journey, my PTSD symptoms have significantly reduced. And here’s something I’m incredibly happy to share: for the past two assessments, my clinical score no longer meets the PTSD criteria! (I’ve never been happier to fail a test!)

But beyond test scores, I can feel my progress in ways that truly matter:

• Fewer nightmares – The frequency has dropped noticeably.
• A shift in how the nightmares play out – In my dreams, I can now protect myself, ask for help, and sometimes even recognize that I’m dreaming—allowing me to wake up objectively.
• A change in dream themes – I no longer find myself constantly trapped in escapades, threats, rapes, or survival scenarios.
• Fewer triggers during the day – The intrusive flashbacks that once dictated my daily life have become much less frequent.

Healing is not a straight path, but I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel—and for that, I’m grateful. Let’s continue to do our best! You can do it too!