The first time I sat down with my Head of Department, I felt everything – calm, grief, fear, worry, bitter, conviction, powerful, proud and much more. My emotions switched from one to the other as if somebody was changing the tv channels.

“Fear not. We’re here. Regardless the outcome, we’ll be okay – one way another, for we are together. We can never know if this is a right move until time passes but we know it’s the best thing we can do for ourselves now. So trust it. If the outcome is as desired, then good. If the outcome isn’t as desired, it’s good too.”

“We’ve prayed for both our high life conditions to have a meaningful and productive dialogue. Think not about the what ifs but focus on connecting with sincerity and honesty.”

“Life will guide us where we need to be. Courage now. Courage.”

I opened the conversation by communicating my intentions clearly. (You’d notice that being intentional is something I preach on repeat across my other entries.)

“Thank you for agreeing to meet me in person. The reason I’d like to speak to you is to share my recent challenges and there are three, and only three outcomes, I’d like to walk away from our conversation. These three outcomes are 1) transfer me to another team within the same division, 2) transfer me to another division or 3) I’ll be handing my resignation letter. I understand you go a long way back with my reporting officer but I hope as the Head of Department, you remain objective and professional when dealing with my case.”

I got his attention. I began sharing my challenges. When asked for records, I presented my deck of evidences. Thankfully, he was very objective and neutral about it. Most importantly, he listened and he clarified when he had questions. If you’re wondering, yes he is aware of my mental health condition. Unfortunately, we ran short of time because he had to rush for another meeting but we managed to set the next meeting right away and he requested to see my work and appraisal records in the meeting.

The next time we met, I laid down everything he asked for on the table. I have no fear in sharing because I know in my bones that I deliver value, deliver quality work and is an asset on any team. After seeing the documents, my Head of Department jokingly asked if I can do his deck for him. That, to me, was a clear indication that he acknowledges my work. He also asked why was I doing work beyond what I was hired to do. I told him because the team was shorthanded and half of us were new. There was a need for people to step up. Most importantly, I am a team player.

“I don’t see anything wrong with your work and performance. I’m sorry that this is happening. Would you be opened for the three of us to have a conversation to resolve this?,” he asked.

“I’m sorry too. Unfortunately, I have no intention to remain under his leadership. I’ve already tried one-on-one conversation with him but he was clearly not interested. Hence, I won’t be partaking in any conversation with him before any of the three options is exercised. I’m more than happy to have this dialogue if you feel necessary for the division’s cohesiveness when option 1 is executed,” I replied. I wasn’t interested in any negotiation at that point of time.

All the mixed feelings melted away. I felt in absolute control when the words rolled out of my tongue. (Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean control in a way of controlling my Head of Department nor controlling the conversation. I felt in control of my life. This feeling is liberating.)

Jumping straight to the outcome, I was transferred to another team within the same division by the end of the month. I was over the moon and honestly very surprised by the speed of execution. I am in a much better place now even though I have to navigate a different set of challenges – rumour, people talking behind my back and finger pointing me as an ungrateful villain who betrayed her former reporting officer and former team.

I’m not deaf nor blind to the things people are saying around me. Again, I know I’m capable of dealing damage to these wicked people but I am choosing not to go down the path. It is a self destructive path. It’s not good for my soul. Till today, the deck of evidences remains seen only by my Head of Department. I got to say my patience is still being tested by these people even now but thank goodness, Vicky and the other hot heads are in this with me. At least, I don’t have to fight my selves haha.

Closing thoughts:

I truly consider this a major win in my life and my healing journey. I wasn’t sure how well I could live my life with this mental health condition at first but through these trials and challenges, I’m slowly building confidence. I’m very proud of us that way.

On a side note, I wonder if I’m going through my shadow work too? (I’m not too sure. I’m still quite new to Carl Jung’s Shadow Work theory and practices. If you have any credible resources, please feel free to share with me too.)

With that, I hope my experience has inspired you and given you courage! See you in the next post (: