A few days before cny, I received a call that broke my heart into thousand pieces.

It fired up different responses within my system.

I struggled and came to a stall, literally.

A storm of emotions whipped within me.

Some of us were ready to declare war.

Some ready to pull the plug.

Some desperately try to find reasons to justify for their actions – in the name of being an empathetic human, in the name of filial piety.

I was greatly disappointed and sad. I do not condemn neither do I concur.

So we fought – on how we want to deal with the situation.

But how does a person handle other people’s emotions when she hasn’t sort out her own.

The most cruel thing is I felt them all and I had no way to switch them off as I like.

Their emotions were intense af.

So I cried, sunk into my bed.

I cried some more and sunk deeper into a dark space.

My hubby was overseas then,

But thankfully he called me

Kept his presence constant

And monitored me through the cctv.

One step a time, I regained myself and was able to start having dialogue with my other selves through writing.

It was a long process of listening, acknowledging, giving space and respecting each of their experiences.

My selves have counter argued one another like it’s some court hearing.

After a long day, we finally came to a consensus.

We acknowledged that we are grateful for our parents and their sacrifices in bringing us up.

We also acknowledge that we can only be responsible for our own choices.

We can only do our best for them

& we all agree we are already doing our best.

So moving forward, we’ll choose love that is not toxic, not dysfunctional and certainly not built upon gaslighting and guilt tripping.

We choose to honour our boundaries and commit to building a conducive environment for our healing.

We know we are capable of hurting the people that hurt us but we will not take that path.

Neither will we accept being hurt repeatedly anymore.

This has to stop.

Enough is enough.

It’s best to keep a distance, stay connected through loving prayers and take good care of ourselves.

That’s the best we can do now.