I bet many of us have asked this question when we experience sufferings regardless the form they take. In the past, I would find myself spiralling down a black hole of negative thoughts when I ask that question. “What wrong have I done to deserve this?”, “I must’ve sinned in my previous life”, “I’m just a child. Why’d I have to go through this?”, “Maybe we should leave this pain behind”, “Because life is cruel” and the list goes on. I subconsciously started forming all these negative beliefs about myself, about people and the world. I’d cry when no one’s watching and inflict self harm upon myself. It was dangerous to be by myself. When it comes to my trauma, I held on firmly to a victim’s mindset.

After being diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder with PTSD, I found myself asking the question again, “why me?”. But yknow, I believe universe has a plan for us and when you looked back at your journey, you find that the dots connect just the way they intended. The things I’ve learnt, books I’ve read and people I met helped me gain new perspectives in life.

Two important things I learnt include:

1. Shifting perspectives is a matter of decision
2. Thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions and lead to results

If I want a different result, first I need to change my thoughts. The formula is honestly simple and straightforward but I’ve never learn how to deal with my thoughts in the first place. So I had to figure out and apply the knowledge I’ve acquired out of school and home.

I started training myself to think more empowering thoughts towards the “why me” question. True enough I feel more hopeful, more empowered and courageous. But it doesn’t always go that smoothly all the time. For me, sometimes, some alters would critique these thoughts, talk down to ourselves while some other alters will push back to defend the effort we are putting in. On days like these, I get drained out really fast from the tug of war between the voices in my head. But such is a healing journey. Some days I felt like I’ve taken one step forward and ten steps back the next day. Other days, it felt like a 15, 20 steps forward. Often, it felt never-ending. Why go through this pain then?

Because I deserve to feel alive, love, be loved and be happy. And so do you.

Listen, whether we continue to stay in a victim mindset or a victor mindset, either way it’s going to be painful. Both paths may seem like an endless rabbit hole but one leads to compounding pain (darkness beyond black), the other leads to growth and liberty (light at the end of the tunnel). I hope this helps put things into better perspectives for all of us.

You see, when I finally began to face myself with honesty, I realised I had been pretending to be strong, using that as a disguise to escape the hurt. That avoidance later returned to haunt me in ways I never imagined possible. Our future are shaped by the decisions we make today. The upheaval in 2021 was a result of my decision to bury things, struggle by myself and constantly running away from the real problems. Now I’m given a choice again.

If I continue living with a victim mindset, things are going to worsen and that’s not what I want. If my desire is to live a beautiful life, I need to adopt a victor’s mindset and change the way I look at “why is this happening to me?”.

It’s more than 4 years now since I’ve changed my thoughts. Yes, I may still struggle with occasional dissociation but it’s different now.

Because I am back in control of my life.

If you ask me is it worth the pain? ABSOLUTELY! So if you’re struggling right now, here are 2 simple things to do:

1. Why do you want to get better?
   The answer to this question will help anchor you through the trying times in your healing journey. Use your heart to answer this question. It’s okay if your answers turn out selfish. It’s okay if nothing comes out yet. It’s not that there’s nothing to get better for. It’s just buried deep within you. You gotta dig hard enough. It’s also okay if the answer evolve down the road as life happens.
   
2. Train your mind to think empowering thoughts

If you’d like to find out how I start changing my disempowering thoughts to empowering thoughts, I’ll share the systems I use in the upcoming entries! Till then, take care and I wish you happiness!